The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
