if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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