I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
