pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
