Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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