It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
