so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
