porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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