my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
