he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
