I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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