my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
