I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
