paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
