I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
