just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
