just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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