Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
