so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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