Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
