Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
time to smoke my breakfast
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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