when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My liver is preforming stress tests.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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