beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You are a genius and a whore.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
