I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Never underestimate the power of titties
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
