im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
