is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
