My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
