What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize