i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
