if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
