I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
where are my eyebrows?
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