Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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