her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i think im in europe. pls send help
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
