My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize
