Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
