I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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