i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
