you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
