wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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