i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize