I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize