I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
