So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
