Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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