My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
