Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
