Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
