I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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