It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
