the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
