There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
