I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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