I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
