i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
