I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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