i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
