You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize