I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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