can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
