Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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