I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
