what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
