Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
