Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
